fiction · · 01 min script

Hair of the Joe // 2017.

After finishing Concrete Jungle, I became convinced that if I ever wanted to be taken seriously, I needed to write something smaller, funnier, and more accessible.

Naturally, I responded by writing a sitcom about a New York bar owner who has somehow failed to realize he is a werewolf.

Part workplace comedy and part supernatural mystery, Hair of the Joe trades supernatural politics and action scenes for plain bad decisions and occasional memes. This scene is probably still my favorite:

▒ SCRIPT FRAGMENT UNCUT · DRAFT
INT. SEAN’S APARTMENT – LAST NIGHT

BANG BANG BANG!

Sean wakes up. He glances at the digital clock on the night stand by the bed. It reads 3:07AM.

BANG BANG BANG BANG!

He jumps off the bed, and stumbles to the door, revealing a small, but neat apartment.

Also revealed is Sean’s penchant for Kermit the Frog pajamas.

He looks through the peephole, and sees a tired-looking bespectacled woman flashing a HEALTH INSPECTOR badge.

HEALTH INSPECTOR
Open up, fucker, I can hear you mouth-breathing.

Sean opens the door and tries for the friendliest face he can muster.

SEAN
Hello, Mis–
HEALTH INSPECTOR
Not in the mood for this, or any other kinda shit, dude.
SEAN
Uh, sorry–
HEALTH INSPECTOR
You the owner downstairs? Mister–
(checks paper)
Joseph W. Andern?
SEAN
No, but I work there– downstairs. Supposed to be my night off. Uh, sorry, but isn’t it a bit late for a health inspection?
HEALTH INSPECTOR
Damn good detective skills, over here.
SEAN
Well. It’s —

He looks back at the clock. It’s now 3:08.

HEALTH INSPECTOR
We received some emergency complaints, Mister– whatever the fuck your name is.

She tosses a piece of paper at Sean, then snaps a picture of Sean trying his best to catch it.

HEALTH INSPECTOR (CONT’D)
You got twenty-four hours to clean up that dump. I’m clappin’ your ass after that.

Sean stares at the piece of paper in disbelief, and watches as the Health Inspector stomps down the stairs.

HEALTH INSPECTOR (CONT’D)
(in the distance)
Miss Piggy ain’t gonna bail your ass out, either.

I don’t remember writing it, which, for Hair of the Joe, is completely appropriate.