If you’re just getting here, you should probably know that this is the second installment in my geekout trilogy entitled Robots, Sex and How I Learned to Love the Cylon Nookie. It’s really up to you, but this will probably flow better if you read the first installment of my cylon nerdgasm before jumping into this one. Just a heads up. :)

Generally speaking, being a Cylon seems like a pretty good deal, doesn’t it?

I mean, you’re pretty much immortal, seeing as should you be killed, your consciousness is downloaded into another identical body, leaving you free to continue about your business, whatever that may be.

You’re probably all like,

“Um, yes, about that. What’s all this I hear about Nookie? I’ve got places to be, you know. I kinda, sorta, shot my mom, because I thought she might be a Cylon, and I think I hear sirens.”

Ah, yes. The Nookie.

Well, despite all the cool things about being a Cylon, there are a few snags. For example, even though they are for many purposes, something like upgraded humans, it seems that for some reason, they are unable to reproduce biologically,  (you know, the usual way, which in most cases involves nookie) and must therefore rely on Resurrection in order to maintain their numbers.

I know what you’re thinking. I don’t really see a problem with that either. Worst case scenario, you’d spend hundreds upon thousands of years hanging out basically with the same people.

Yes, it might get a bit boring, but it’s hardly a deal breaker. I mean, you would literally have unlimited time to learn and build new things. What’s more, unlike us mere humans, who eventually lose our capacity to take care of ourselves to old age, you would remain your sprightly self for the entirety of your lengthy life, never having to concern yourself with ungrateful children, who just might shoot you in the face, simply to illustrate a point, one day.

Anyhoo, regardless of how the Cylons would behave if I was in charge, the Cylons in Battlestar Galactica don’t see it that way.

How do they see it, you ask?  That’s a great question.

Here Come the Metaphysics…

Most of the Cylons in the show, follow a monotheistic religion, which is never specifically named, but seems to be identical to Christianity in every way. At its center, is the belief in one all-powerful god who wants/needs the love and devotion of both humans and Cylons. It includes concepts of sin, predestination, and a divine plan, which is a huge theme throughout the show.

Cylons believe that God created humanity, as well as Cylons directly through them. They see humanity as flawed, plagued with sin, and unappreciative of God’s love.  It is because of their belief that God directed humanity to create the Cylons, that they also believe themselves to be God’s attempt at a perfect entity, and are able to logically justify their genocidal actions.

They see themselves as humanity’s children, and after modeling themselves in humanity’s image, they believe that they cannot fully mature and come into their own as a species until their “parents'” are dead. (And there you were, feeling all guilty because you shot your mom in the face. Take notes please, as when you’re a Cylon, being a parricidal maniac is par for the course)

As an example of how close the Cylon religion is to Christianity, the Cylons explain that one of God’s commandments is to “be fruitful,” which the majority of Cylons interpret as God wanting them to get it on, and start having Cylon babies.  The problem, as I mentioned, is that for whatever reason, they are not able to do that with each other. Not the getting it on part, but the having babies part.

Because of this, they eventually decide to first, create “farms” where they attempt to cross-breed humans and Cylons, by artificially inseminating women they kidnapped, (you know, the few they somehow didn’t kill), and when that doesn’t work, by having sex with humans. But not just any sex, mind you.  Oh, no.

I’m talking about the kind depraved, unspeakable acts that only…uh, people in love are capable of.

That’s right.  Apparently, God made it so that Cylons could only have babies if both parties were in love at the moment of conception.

 

“WTF? Seriously?”

 

First of all, I feel that  that being “fruitful” could be interpreted in a whole bunch of different ways .

Maybe, Mr. Cylon Smartypants, God justs wants you create all of the beautiful things you are capable of building, now that you have a virtually unlimited lifespan. Maybe, God restricted your ability to reproduce for that very same reason. Maybe, God just wanted you to have lots of sex, and be happy, as all the gratuitous sex in this show seemed to imply, at first.

But, noooo. The Cylons in Battlestar Galactica don’t see it that way.

Does anyone have any idea as to  how exactly does a  bioengineered organism measure love?

Easier question: How does humanity measure love? Love, by definition is unquantifiable. But even if it weren’t, how would your reproductive organs “know” to align correctly when the “proper amount” of love had been achieved?

Appropriately enough, through all of this experimentation, Nookie, and “love,” only one Cylon-Human hybrid child is born throughout the length of the show.

 

Next time, on Robots, Sex, and How I Learned to Love the Cylon Nookie:

What’s up with this kid you’re talking about? Where did it come from? Does it also kill its mom? Is there more Nookie? And do the humans in this show actually do anything besides get killed and have sex with Cylons?

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of Robots, Sex, and How I Learned to Love the Cylon Nookie.